Woman, Algeria\/France<\/p>\n
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The whole act of moving to England, was like a desperate cry for my psychological wellbeing. This was not intentionally damaged or suppressed at home but, I didn\u2019t really feel understood a lot of times. I was running to do my own thing, the way I wanted to be independent, I wanted to be a person who knew how to handle life by myself and I think that\u2019s the biggest thing I\u2019ve done. In a way I think it\u2019s good, but in a way I also think it opened up a lot of problems for me and a lot of emotions.<\/p>\n
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It was difficult for a very long time and sometimes it still is, even though things are much better now. Before, I thought I could never move to a different country again; but now I feel like I can. I had a lot of nervous breakdowns because I couldn\u2019t really understand that I had so many contradicting thoughts inside of me and so many things I want but there is\u2026 what \u2018I want\u2019 and what \u2018I shouldn\u2019t want\u2019, what \u2018I need\u2019 and what\u2019 I don\u2019t need\u2019.<\/p>\n
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Because before I moved, I never looked at myself as a person who could make decisions. It was always what my parents wanted me to do, which was guided by religion. So everything was directed by that.<\/p>\n
I was constantly thinking, what would my parents do? Or what should I do for them? This really did not allow me to grow as I was not making decisions for myself.<\/p>\n
I think that this, by itself, was a very big act of change. I had a lot of different experiences which led me to take therapy for 10 months. It was my own choice because I realised that I can\u2019t deal with myself by myself and I just wanted to speak to somebody.<\/p>\n
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It was really good, not that the therapist said anything to me that I didn\u2019t know but, I was just in a safe space and able to say whatever I want without thinking: \u2018I will be judged for it\u2019 or \u2018am I allowed to say this or not?\u2019 So it gave me some tools to allow me to be self-critical and reflective.<\/p>\n
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\n‘my worst nightmare’<\/em><\/h2>\n<\/blockquote>\n
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I never used to do things without my parents blessings. Whatever I did, I had to ask for their permission. It contradicted with what I wanted. I knew that for certain things I wouldn\u2019t get any support at all, even if it was not bad. It affected me mentally because it\u2019s a contradiction between what you should do, what you shouldn\u2019t do. When I was in a daughter mode. I thought in terms of being a daughter instead of being a woman. I\u2019ve always viewed myself as my parents\u2019 daughter and my brother\u2019s sister, so I had to behave in a way that doesn\u2019t upset them, I had to do things that made them happy.<\/p>\n
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Although I have been away for 5 years, I thought that I had to protect my family because my choices in life would have a big effect on my family. And if I didn\u2019t have my family\u2019s blessing for something, I would become negative in life.<\/p>\n
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It felt like I was running against a wall all the time and like I was a bad person for not wanting what my parents want for me. I had a very low vision of myself because I thought I was a bad daughter. That is the centre of my life, even my career path, it influences who I want to marry, I have to make sure my parents are cool with it because their support is for me everything. But it contradicts the fact that I live by myself and with the fact that I make my own choices.<\/p>\n
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Whoever I liked, I would ask myself: \u2018will this person be good enough for my family?\u2019, \u2018will they still support me if they\u2019re not happy with my choice?\u2019 \u2018If not, I\u2019m a bad person\u2026\u2019 it\u2019s a never ending circle. There was a point in my life I ended up ruining the situation with someone because I was too afraid to speak to my parents.<\/p>\n
It brought me a lot of anxiety in my life because I felt every move had to be blessed and if not, it meant that I was doing a big mistake and my life would be ruined and I would ruin my family. I had a lot of anxiety attacks, I suffered in my mind and I became very irrational, it was a direct result of the situation I was in.<\/p>\n
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I was irrational because I used to blame myself for everything, for any situation that was happening. I was not the person I was supposed to be, and I was not able to talk to anyone about what was going on, I felt I was trapped in my own prison. \u00a0I used to be very controlling about certain things because I felt that everything had to be a certain way. If it wasn\u2019t a certain way, then I couldn\u2019t go ahead with it.<\/p>\n
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\n‘my mother called me’<\/em><\/h2>\n<\/blockquote>\n
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I wanted to change my degree because I was very unhappy with what I was doing and I wanted to change my degree. My mother didn\u2019t want me to, my father was quite different and quite relaxed, my mother was always conscious about money.<\/p>\n
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But I was really unhappy and I changed my degree to philosophy. I was very happy with my choice. I spoke to my mother about it and she got really upset with me and I felt like I just made the biggest mistake in my life. I couldn\u2019t sleep for that night at all. She asked me why I didn\u2019t tell her about it before taking the decision. It was a classic scenario for me, I was thinking: \u2018is my thinking correct?\u2019 \u2018Am I allowed to make decisions for myself?\u2019 If I had been able to call someone at the university at 3am at night, I would have because I wanted to change everything back to my old degree although I was unhappy with it. Just to make my mother happy. I didn\u2019t sleep for all night and I had serious panic attacks, like sweating and shivering.<\/p>\n
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The next day I went to my University and spoke to my supervisor. When he saw me, he saw that I was very pale and I started to cry. I was panicking because I would have to start my old degree over again, which meant one extra year of study. Money was not a big deal because they would allow me to continue my degree with the old fees. My supervisor was a bit like a grandfather, he was very comforting. He told me: \u2018you can do this for a week; if you want to change back you can change back, everything is possible. Don\u2019t panic, but go away for a week. Don\u2019t go back to university, it stresses you too much. Don\u2019t go to work if you can, just rest for a week.\u2019 Because he saw the effect it had on me. That week I didn\u2019t have to go to Uni. I didn\u2019t have to write my essays. I thought it was very nice of him. Then, after a week my mother called me and told me: \u2018if you really want to do it, just do it, I know how you are if you don\u2019t get something you want, you get really depressed and you don\u2019t do it properly.\u2019<\/p>\n
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I was so happy her words, they meant the world for me and I cried because I was so overwhelmed.<\/p>\n
\n‘if a woman dresses a certain way’<\/em><\/h2>\n<\/blockquote>\n
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I wanted to get married once and my father said: \u2018no\u2019. He just said no, but in a very angry way. He was angry for weeks. And that really has put a trauma in my head. I didn\u2019t feel like I can say I want to marry somebody. I don\u2019t know what was wrong with the guy, nothing was wrong with the guy, he didn\u2019t see him, he didn\u2019t speak to him. Without any knowledge of this person, he just said no. He was angry with me. and I didn\u2019t know what I did wrong because I thought it was good to get married. I was 19, I was young but not so young and all my friends got married at 19 or 20. I wanted my father to know that there was someone who wanted to marry me. He was very angry about it, he asked me a lot of questions.\u00a0 Finally I said I wouldn\u2019t get married just to appease him. This was so damaging to me as I stayed for another year with this guy in secret, because I wanted it to work. I wanted to marry him, but I wanted to have my family too. I didn\u2019t want to have to leave but I didn\u2019t want to start my life with a problem. So I spent one year, speaking to an imam just trying to make a plan. He told me: \u2018but at the end if it doesn\u2019t work, this is what God wants for you\u2019.<\/p>\n
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Whenever I met somebody I wanted to marry, even though they were nice people, I would behave badly with them. I\u2019ve become irrational, I needed them to be in a certain way so my family would accept them, but that\u2019s impossible and that\u2019s not right; you can\u2019t change people and you shouldn\u2019t. This always caused heartbreak, not because we didn\u2019t work; but I was scared of my family\u2019s judgement and it\u2019s still that way. My dad doesn\u2019t understand the damage he did to me; not because he said no, but because he reacted with anger and for a very long time I thought I would never have the courage to move on, I\u2019ll live like a little girl forever because I feel I will not be taken seriously.<\/p>\n
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There\u2019s a lot of pressure from so many parts of society. People accept the woman fully when she has a husband. I know we\u2019re in Europe, but it\u2019s still true. If a woman dresses a certain way or if she acts a certain way, and is not married, then it\u2019s one thing, people talk. If she acts a certain way, dresses a certain way but has a man who accepts her like that, then suddenly it\u2019s acceptable. I always felt I cannot make any choices for myself unless I get married because I would have a man who supports me. I know I\u2019m still young, but I feel this is a very old story in my life, and I really would like to move on from that, even though I can\u2019t.<\/p>\n
\n‘I need soft love too’<\/em><\/h2>\n<\/blockquote>\n
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I felt like if I did something wrong, there would be no forgiveness for me. Everyone else would be forgiven, but not me. I always felt that way. I forgive a lot and I think there is nothing you can\u2019t forgive in somebody unless it\u2019s really bad.<\/p>\n
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However I always feel I don\u2019t get forgiveness from people. I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s a bit of a mental complex I have. I felt at some point I was just tired and I didn\u2019t want to feel bad anymore because it made me have really bad thoughts. I felt I was not worth living, I was not worth being alive because everything I do is wrong and all I do is I hurt people. You get to a point where you don\u2019t feel anything anymore, you are just like whatever, I don\u2019t care what happens to me. I\u2019m alive only because people love me, my family loves me, and otherwise I don\u2019t know what I would do. People have different issues, people have worse experiences, But in terms of me, I always think if you make a child feel a certain way, the will always remember that, it stays with you.<\/p>\n
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I think that, after finishing my studies through it, travelling and managing to keep jobs while I was studying. I felt proud of myself and felt I had worth. I had achieved some things on my own. My parents came to my graduation, I felt so happy, I felt really proud and they were proud of me. They don\u2019t say it very often but I saw it and I was so happy. I think these things helped me a little bit as well as having a relationship with my big brother. My family is very interesting because they are very direct and very harsh, it\u2019s like a lot of tough love, but sometimes too much tough love is not good, I need soft love too.<\/p>\n
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I felt happy and privileged that I moved to England. That they trusted me to leave and live my life. Things are much better, I still get have problems every now and then, when I face situations. I start thinking I need to be a better person, I need to be a better Muslim, I need to be a better girl, and I\u2019m a bad woman. I can feel like this very quickly, I don\u2019t have to do anything but if somebody is upset with me for something I feel really bad.<\/p>\n
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My dream is to study about herbs and plants and I would like to study midwifery, I would like to do something which is of benefit for people, help people in difficult situations, especially women. I would like to be there for pregnant women, for those who have difficulties. I would like to live somewhere where it\u2019s warm, I would like to have a family, I would like for everybody around me to be happy. I\u2019m happy at the moment, and I think it\u2019s positive!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"