I Know How To Handle Life

Woman, Algeria/France

The whole act of moving to England, was like a desperate cry for my psychological wellbeing. This was not intentionally damaged or suppressed at home but, I didn’t really feel understood a lot of times. I was running to do my own thing, the way I wanted to be independent, I wanted to be a person who knew how to handle life by myself and I think that’s the biggest thing I’ve done. In a way I think it’s good, but in a way I also think it opened up a lot of problems for me and a lot of emotions.

It was difficult for a very long time and sometimes it still is, even though things are much better now. Before, I thought I could never move to a different country again; but now I feel like I can. I had a lot of nervous breakdowns because I couldn’t really understand that I had so many contradicting thoughts inside of me and so many things I want but there is… what ‘I want’ and what ‘I shouldn’t want’, what ‘I need’ and what’ I don’t need’.

Because before I moved, I never looked at myself as a person who could make decisions. It was always what my parents wanted me to do, which was guided by religion. So everything was directed by that.

I was constantly thinking, what would my parents do? Or what should I do for them? This really did not allow me to grow as I was not making decisions for myself.

I think that this, by itself, was a very big act of change. I had a lot of different experiences which led me to take therapy for 10 months. It was my own choice because I realised that I can’t deal with myself by myself and I just wanted to speak to somebody.

It was really good, not that the therapist said anything to me that I didn’t know but, I was just in a safe space and able to say whatever I want without thinking: ‘I will be judged for it’ or ‘am I allowed to say this or not?’ So it gave me some tools to allow me to be self-critical and reflective.

‘my worst nightmare’

I never used to do things without my parents blessings. Whatever I did, I had to ask for their permission. It contradicted with what I wanted. I knew that for certain things I wouldn’t get any support at all, even if it was not bad. It affected me mentally because it’s a contradiction between what you should do, what you shouldn’t do. When I was in a daughter mode. I thought in terms of being a daughter instead of being a woman. I’ve always viewed myself as my parents’ daughter and my brother’s sister, so I had to behave in a way that doesn’t upset them, I had to do things that made them happy.

Although I have been away for 5 years, I thought that I had to protect my family because my choices in life would have a big effect on my family. And if I didn’t have my family’s blessing for something, I would become negative in life.

It felt like I was running against a wall all the time and like I was a bad person for not wanting what my parents want for me. I had a very low vision of myself because I thought I was a bad daughter. That is the centre of my life, even my career path, it influences who I want to marry, I have to make sure my parents are cool with it because their support is for me everything. But it contradicts the fact that I live by myself and with the fact that I make my own choices.

Whoever I liked, I would ask myself: ‘will this person be good enough for my family?’, ‘will they still support me if they’re not happy with my choice?’ ‘If not, I’m a bad person…’ it’s a never ending circle. There was a point in my life I ended up ruining the situation with someone because I was too afraid to speak to my parents.

It brought me a lot of anxiety in my life because I felt every move had to be blessed and if not, it meant that I was doing a big mistake and my life would be ruined and I would ruin my family. I had a lot of anxiety attacks, I suffered in my mind and I became very irrational, it was a direct result of the situation I was in.

I was irrational because I used to blame myself for everything, for any situation that was happening. I was not the person I was supposed to be, and I was not able to talk to anyone about what was going on, I felt I was trapped in my own prison.  I used to be very controlling about certain things because I felt that everything had to be a certain way. If it wasn’t a certain way, then I couldn’t go ahead with it.

‘my mother called me’

I wanted to change my degree because I was very unhappy with what I was doing and I wanted to change my degree. My mother didn’t want me to, my father was quite different and quite relaxed, my mother was always conscious about money.

But I was really unhappy and I changed my degree to philosophy. I was very happy with my choice. I spoke to my mother about it and she got really upset with me and I felt like I just made the biggest mistake in my life. I couldn’t sleep for that night at all. She asked me why I didn’t tell her about it before taking the decision. It was a classic scenario for me, I was thinking: ‘is my thinking correct?’ ‘Am I allowed to make decisions for myself?’ If I had been able to call someone at the university at 3am at night, I would have because I wanted to change everything back to my old degree although I was unhappy with it. Just to make my mother happy. I didn’t sleep for all night and I had serious panic attacks, like sweating and shivering.

The next day I went to my University and spoke to my supervisor. When he saw me, he saw that I was very pale and I started to cry. I was panicking because I would have to start my old degree over again, which meant one extra year of study. Money was not a big deal because they would allow me to continue my degree with the old fees. My supervisor was a bit like a grandfather, he was very comforting. He told me: ‘you can do this for a week; if you want to change back you can change back, everything is possible. Don’t panic, but go away for a week. Don’t go back to university, it stresses you too much. Don’t go to work if you can, just rest for a week.’ Because he saw the effect it had on me. That week I didn’t have to go to Uni. I didn’t have to write my essays. I thought it was very nice of him. Then, after a week my mother called me and told me: ‘if you really want to do it, just do it, I know how you are if you don’t get something you want, you get really depressed and you don’t do it properly.’

I was so happy her words, they meant the world for me and I cried because I was so overwhelmed.

‘if a woman dresses a certain way’

I wanted to get married once and my father said: ‘no’. He just said no, but in a very angry way. He was angry for weeks. And that really has put a trauma in my head. I didn’t feel like I can say I want to marry somebody. I don’t know what was wrong with the guy, nothing was wrong with the guy, he didn’t see him, he didn’t speak to him. Without any knowledge of this person, he just said no. He was angry with me. and I didn’t know what I did wrong because I thought it was good to get married. I was 19, I was young but not so young and all my friends got married at 19 or 20. I wanted my father to know that there was someone who wanted to marry me. He was very angry about it, he asked me a lot of questions.  Finally I said I wouldn’t get married just to appease him. This was so damaging to me as I stayed for another year with this guy in secret, because I wanted it to work. I wanted to marry him, but I wanted to have my family too. I didn’t want to have to leave but I didn’t want to start my life with a problem. So I spent one year, speaking to an imam just trying to make a plan. He told me: ‘but at the end if it doesn’t work, this is what God wants for you’.

Whenever I met somebody I wanted to marry, even though they were nice people, I would behave badly with them. I’ve become irrational, I needed them to be in a certain way so my family would accept them, but that’s impossible and that’s not right; you can’t change people and you shouldn’t. This always caused heartbreak, not because we didn’t work; but I was scared of my family’s judgement and it’s still that way. My dad doesn’t understand the damage he did to me; not because he said no, but because he reacted with anger and for a very long time I thought I would never have the courage to move on, I’ll live like a little girl forever because I feel I will not be taken seriously.

There’s a lot of pressure from so many parts of society. People accept the woman fully when she has a husband. I know we’re in Europe, but it’s still true. If a woman dresses a certain way or if she acts a certain way, and is not married, then it’s one thing, people talk. If she acts a certain way, dresses a certain way but has a man who accepts her like that, then suddenly it’s acceptable. I always felt I cannot make any choices for myself unless I get married because I would have a man who supports me. I know I’m still young, but I feel this is a very old story in my life, and I really would like to move on from that, even though I can’t.

‘I need soft love too’

I felt like if I did something wrong, there would be no forgiveness for me. Everyone else would be forgiven, but not me. I always felt that way. I forgive a lot and I think there is nothing you can’t forgive in somebody unless it’s really bad.

However I always feel I don’t get forgiveness from people. I don’t know, it’s a bit of a mental complex I have. I felt at some point I was just tired and I didn’t want to feel bad anymore because it made me have really bad thoughts. I felt I was not worth living, I was not worth being alive because everything I do is wrong and all I do is I hurt people. You get to a point where you don’t feel anything anymore, you are just like whatever, I don’t care what happens to me. I’m alive only because people love me, my family loves me, and otherwise I don’t know what I would do. People have different issues, people have worse experiences, But in terms of me, I always think if you make a child feel a certain way, the will always remember that, it stays with you.

I think that, after finishing my studies through it, travelling and managing to keep jobs while I was studying. I felt proud of myself and felt I had worth. I had achieved some things on my own. My parents came to my graduation, I felt so happy, I felt really proud and they were proud of me. They don’t say it very often but I saw it and I was so happy. I think these things helped me a little bit as well as having a relationship with my big brother. My family is very interesting because they are very direct and very harsh, it’s like a lot of tough love, but sometimes too much tough love is not good, I need soft love too.

I felt happy and privileged that I moved to England. That they trusted me to leave and live my life. Things are much better, I still get have problems every now and then, when I face situations. I start thinking I need to be a better person, I need to be a better Muslim, I need to be a better girl, and I’m a bad woman. I can feel like this very quickly, I don’t have to do anything but if somebody is upset with me for something I feel really bad.

My dream is to study about herbs and plants and I would like to study midwifery, I would like to do something which is of benefit for people, help people in difficult situations, especially women. I would like to be there for pregnant women, for those who have difficulties. I would like to live somewhere where it’s warm, I would like to have a family, I would like for everybody around me to be happy. I’m happy at the moment, and I think it’s positive!