Introduction

by Javayria Masood (editor)

I wanted to write an introduction that would explain why this project feels necessary to share, but if you clicked onto this page, I feel you already may know.

Welcome! We are sharing our efforts with you from a place of sincerity and openness. Please accept our attempt at creating a place where stories can be accessed. It is an attempt, if there is any feedback you may have, please share it with us.

I Am Not What Is Broken attempts to bring together stories, in written and visual form. These stories are from people who identify as coming from diasporic backgrounds who have experienced a broad range of challenges and struggles with their mental health. Our aim is not just to bring you stories which are about pain, but also to share people’s journeys to healing and their hopes for what is to come.

My husband and I have experienced our own struggles and we often speak about how hearing the experiences of others, helped us exhale, gave us hope and made us realise that we were not alone. Their stories helped us realise if people could heal in different ways, manage their mental health challenges on a daily basis, build lives, imagine new realities and create new possibilities, then perhaps we could too. These are stories of victory, even the very act of telling a story, being truthful and attempting to heal is victorious. It is a victory doing this through difficult life experiences, while enduring violent societal structures and of course through navigating the complexity of our daily lives.

Social Media, Neoliberalism, White supremacy, Capitalism, Patriarchy, the sheer pace of modernity, the pressure to earn, to pay bills, to get out of bed every morning are all  forces that weigh down heavily on us. Then there is the traumas we have experienced in our childhoods, through our adolescence and for some the trauma of movement and displacement. These are parts of our reality which add textures upon textures to each of our experiences, the process of untangling all of this is undoubtedly full of twists and turns, but I like to believe infinitely possible.

It gives rise to a set of questions about the nature of healing. What if healing could be found in the everyday? What if healing, processing and untangling, felt accessible and not just professionalised? What if we could do it together as well as individually? Where can healing happen?  What does healing collectively and individually mean? These are questions that all run through my mind regularly.

Mental health has become a subject talked about more than in recent years, which is a significant move forward. When writing about this I am thinking a lot about the current self-care movement, which tells us if we take care of ourselves it will be okay. While this is true and perhaps in some ways it helps, it is not the end of the story. I wonder often, how can my ‘self’ be separated from societal structures? It is essential not to ignore structural forces that make the ability to heal ourselves alone incredibly difficult. Of course self-care is important, as well as accessing mental health services. But can we think of healing in relation to our mental health, through connectedness? Through story telling as well?

There are days, where I am scrolling through Instagram, Facebook and I see stories of conventional success, it only seeks to remind me on my darkest days of everything that I am not. I could be watching a TV programme, or have a conversation, read a book or have an experience which triggers the feeling of emptiness and takes me back to moments I wish I could erase.

Then I think, hope is not lost. Even though some days are almost a total haze and it’s hard to function, I often say to my husband that I want to be hopeful. I want to beat the feeling of despondency, heal my trauma’s, let go, be soft, kind, patient with my process and let feelings enter my consciousness and let them leave. I want to imagine a future, place even a moment where I can feel calm; where I can feel light and breathe. I want to be around those who make me laugh, who smile at me, who tell me everything is okay as it is, even just for a moment. I want to see the glimmer of hope in someone’s eye or feel their passionate energy when they think of a new idea.  I want to live, I want to breathe, I want to live purposefully, build community, connect with others, access mental health services, counselling, therapy, medication if I need, I want to do whatever it takes. Most of all I do not want to stop dreaming, because, then the structures that have caused me pain and my traumas that linger have won.

I hope you accept our efforts, I hope reading or watching even one or a few of these stories reminds you that there are people who are trying, they are doing the work, they are asking questions, they are creating beauty, they are trying to hope.

Most of all I hope this reminds you that you are not alone, we are here for you and through our attempts at openness our questioning, truth telling and storytelling we will continue to be here.